Marital crisis has also rocketed high in European societies giving rise to several social ills such as domestic violence, child abuse, separation and divorce. This is affecting many communities, including Muslims. In recent years Muslim Imams have been complaining on soaring family disturbances within their communities. Divorce rates among young Muslims have shot up, even amongst those who are known to practise their religion. This is a worrying trend. In modern societies the materialism-driven concept of gender role, where men and women are seen as competitors, can be a major factor for marital breakdown. A man’s role as head of the family is put to test after marriage. Many young Muslim men lack necessary maturity, patience and intellectual strength and fail in their role as husbands. In the same way, many young Muslim women fail to bring their egotism under control and both have the ability to wreck their family. They forget the simple nature of human creation that men and women have complementary roles to make marriage work.
There is also another increasing trend, especially among young Muslim men. In recent years many newspapers and magazines in the Muslim community have their ‘matrimonial’ pages where young Muslims advertise themselves to look for spouses. One thing is noticed prominently, that many educated Muslim men and women keep on dragging their feet and get married in their late 20s and into their 30s. There may be all sorts of reasons behind this, but its impact will be far reaching. It is difficult so say whether this is a transient phenomenon or a new trend within Muslim communities. In the absence of evidence, as there has not been reported social research on ‘Muslim’ communities, we should not read too much into this. However, if this is the trend then the community needs to tackle this.
There is already an increasing trend of domestic violence and divorce in some Muslim communities across inner cities in European countries. This is exacerbating other social ills that have already crept in recent decades, e.g., drugs, alcoholism, gangs and prostitution in many areas. It is a sad reality that Muslims are over-represented in the prison population in some countries due to many factors, including the pressures of the materialistic way of life. If the institution of marriage loses its significance, it will lead to the further erosion of family and community spirit among Muslims with serious threats to the historical Islamic cultural tradition.
Muslims are now a significant population in many European countries, amounting to 15-20 million according to current estimates. Whilst they are making unique contribution to Europe’s socio-economic life in spite of their relative deprivation, a significant section is losing their connection with the rich Islamic cultural tradition under the social pressure of materialistic and permissive way of life.
It is evident that there is a momentous shift in culture over the last few decades in European societies, especially after the Second World War. Sadly, in European Muslim communities this shift is faster. Within a generation of their settlement in developed societies the cultural shift in some Muslim communities has been surprising. Many parents coming from the rural communities in the Muslim world have already failed to catch up with their adolescents’ way of life. Technology is playing a major part in this shift. Society is moving so fast that even the internet generation a decade ago is struggling to cope with the current iPod generation. Young people are now online, on the web, on Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites available in this fast paced technological world.
Life for a young person has changed dramatically. It is now about pleasure, entertainment and individual self-fulfilment. As Europe is becoming more liberalised, children’s rights are superseding all others in social arena to the extent that parents at home and teachers in school hesitate in disciplining the youngsters for fear of law. The liberal world exists for young people and their whims, desire and indulgence. Life has become easier, so they are bored at home and at school. The hardship young people experience elsewhere in poorer countries and several generations ago is absent. They want things quickly, so they are always ‘bored’. Consumerism is forcing parents to buy latest designer clothes and gadgets for their children. On the other hand, increasing sexualisation of society is destroying young people’s childhood and innocence. This is leading to more delinquency, anti-social behaviour, pre-mature sex and related outcomes such as teenage pregnancy.
As the common values like respect and care are slowly declining, society blames parents, teachers and political leaders for their failure in tackling youth misdemeanour. Some religious leaders occasionally express their frustration as the society slips into moral vacuum. Education gurus come up with new learning strategies for teachers to tackle indiscipline and apathy in schools, only to be revised every now and then as they do not work. This self-centred and nihilistic youth culture has penetrated all communities including the Muslim. Pedagogical teaching of Islam and Islamic values, which is still the norm in Muslim communities, has lost its effectiveness. Even Islam is now becoming a fashion to some practising Muslim youth, as some see it to ‘be cool’. They tend to escape aspects of real life, such accountability of their actions and responsibility towards others, as they are boring.
How many Muslim parents have the ability to comprehend the challenges around them, to come up with better alternatives and the time to spare with their loved ones? How many of them can maintain a balance between rigidity and laxity in parenting and navigate through a firm but flexible style? How many of them have the competence to inspire and motivate their children to become a better Muslim and better citizen of the country at the same time? How many of them can provide them with a living role model to their children in getting married with right spouse and start a sound family?
These are big, important questions that need answering.
Marriage in Islamic tradition
Throughout human history marriage has been the basis of family life. As pre-marital or extra-marital sex is unacceptable in Islam, marriage is the only sanctified outlet for a man-woman relationship that leads to human continuity with the blessings of children. Men and women are created in ‘pairs’ (al-Qur’an 78:8), God has created them to find tranquillity, affection and compassion (al-Qur’an 30: 21). Husbands and wives are uniquely compared as ‘garments to each other’ (al-Qur’an 2:187). The Prophet (pbuh) said,
Marriage is part of my Sunnah, whoever runs away from my path is not from among us. (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Marriage is a sacred social contract between a man and a woman. It is a religious institution that has encompassed the joy of human relationship, giving rise to tribes, races, societies and nations. Marriage is a life-long commitment that definitely needs love and affection between the couple for its survival and success. Post-marriage tranquillity between two human beings is long-lasting and can be eternal, even after death, if spouses strive within the boundary of Islam. Marriage is for a divine purpose. It provides solace, comfort and pleasure between two people. On the other hand, it instils in them compromise and sacrifice to live together in peace and harmony.
Allah has prescribed marriage as the only way for conjugal relationship and beginning family (al-Qur’an 2:221, 5:5, 24:33). The marriage bond encourages the development of faith, spirituality and social values among the partners. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said,
When a servant of Allah marries, he has completed half of his religious obligations, and he must fear Allah in order to complete the second half. (al-Baihaqi).
Marriage in Islamic tradition is essentially an ‘arranged’ one where young men and women are assisted with close ones’ collective experience and wisdom. Parents, relatives and friends help in their own way to find marriage partners for their loved ones. The post-puberty matured boys and girls can themselves choose their life partners within the norm and decency of Islam. However, Islam has a social code for the interaction between men and women. Dating, clubbing and ‘free mixing’ are considered unacceptable. Muslim men and women have been asked to lower their gaze when they encounter the opposite sex (al-Qur’an 24:30,31).
‘Arranged’ marriage in Islam has nothing to do with ‘forced marriage’. The Prophet of Islam would annul marriages in cases they were done forcibly.
If a man gives his daughter in marriage in spite of her disagreement, such marriage is invalid. (Sahih al-Bukhari)
Marriage is a happy public occasion and the ceremony is simple. The ceremony, Nikah, has some essential requirements such as
§ consent of bride and groom
§ consent from bride’s guardian
§ presence of two Muslim witnesses
§ agreement of groom’s Mahr (dower) for the bride
Sadly, marriage in many Muslim communities has turned into extravaganza and the innocent and joyful atmosphere that should be present has been marred by indulgent mixing, artificial pomp and unaffordable amount of dower, Mahr. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) arranged marriage with affordable Mahr.
Islam prefers marriage at the appropriate age when a man and woman become matured enough to take up responsibility of a married life with the man being able to economically sustain the family. Earlier marriage opens the door of a joyful life, giving children the opportunity to play with their youthful parents.
One should not wait for an ‘ideal time’ to start a married life, as life is a one way process and the ideal time may never come in life. The ‘right time’ of getting married is linked with a conscious understanding of Islam and Tawakkul (reliance on Allah), not merely on good earnings. In European countries young Muslims have the opportunity to start families before their mid-twenty’s as most of them start their career in early twenty’s. However, it is vital that young Muslims work hard to stand on their on feet and earn in a halal way so that they can contribute as active and dignified citizens in the society.
The flesh that is nurtured with Haram wealth cannot enter Paradise. Hell is his abode. (Musnad al-Bari)
Marriage is a big step for a young person. In an indulgent society Muslim boys and girls should leave no stone unturned to prepare themselves for early marriage so that temptation of life and allurement to the opposite sex cannot drive their passion into doing something that is inappropriate for them as Muslims. There is undoubtedly high level of social pressure on the young people to conform to a lifestyle of having a ‘good time’ or ‘fun’ at this age. But building life is more important. The concept of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ and enjoying physical relationships before marriage is an anathema in Islamic tradition. Cohabitation or ‘living together’ is unacceptable. Children should be nurtured with the Islamic ethos of modesty and spiritual anchor. Young Muslims should be reminded that men and women who are not closely related (Mahram) should not meet each other in seclusion.
Whenever a man sits with a woman in privacy, a third one always creeps in, and that is the Devil. (at-Tirmidhi)
However, decent natural interaction in mixed gatherings is different from this. The purpose of this apparently ‘strict’ regime in man-woman relationship is to help in their natural growth protect them from the pitfalls of slippery slope in their character. If for some genuine reason there is delay in getting married, young people should follow the Prophet’s Sunnah of fasting.
The Prophet (pbuh) said, “O young men! who ever among you is able to marry, should marry and whoever is not able should fast regularly, as this will be a shield for him.” (Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim)
In choosing a marriage partner the spouse’s character should be given top priority, according to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh). Social strata borne out of inequality of human beings, such as in ‘high caste’ or ‘low caste’, are alien to Islam. However, Islam looks for genuine ‘compatibility’ and ‘worldly wisdom’ for a social, intellectual and educational match between two partners in marriage. Compatibility in age is also important. Believing men and women look for similar qualities in their partners. On the other hand, people with ill-character naturally cling to each other (al-Qur’an 24:26). Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) advised men as follows,
A woman is married for four things; her wealth, her beauty, her lineage or her piety. Always choose a woman who is pious in the practice of her religion. (Sahih al Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud and Nasa’i)
This world is all temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this life is a righteous wife. (Muslim)
Choosing a marriage partner is a challenging job. Marriage is about bonding two hearts and thus dependent on Allah’s blessings. For a successful marriage both partners need to satisfy each other regarding the issues they feel important, no matter how trivial they seem to be. Family background, personality traits, habits, attitude and manners - all are important. Important issues need to be sorted out before a match is finalised.
Marriage provides soothing comfort to the partners in life. Allah has given in women the greater share of mercy, love and compassion. Men, on the other hand, are bestowed with strong will and assertive nature. Muslims, both men and women, are advised to supplicate for goodness (Istikhara) while choosing a marriage partner. “None fails who consults (the creatures) and none regrets who seeks goodness (from the Creator)” (Tabarani). Potential husbands and wives should seek some prominent features from each other.
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